Still Here
by ObsidianWolf001
Summary: When Eren is killed in combat, Levi holds on until he just can't anymore. He decides that maybe it's time to go find that ocean...


Levi woke screaming again, and this time was the last time he would do it.

His eyes opened on Eren's basement room, now void of the boy himself, and he sat up straight. He could swear he'd heard Eren's voice. He looked for the messy brown hair of the boy he loved, but immediately knew he'd been fooled again. His voice felt like it was being crushed into his constricting windpipe, but the same scream was ever as loud as it echoed off the walls of the basement.

"Eren!"

He'd made the boy's old room into his office, and now he stared at the corner he'd retreated to with work immediately after his loss of the boy, almost a month ago now, and felt tears rolling down his face. The sensation used to be uncomfortable, but now he felt them and felt a final sense of just _enough_ in his bones. He pulled back the sheet he had covering his clothed body, pulling on the straps to his 3-D Manuever Gear, but not grabbing the gear itself. He lifted his jacket, and then grabbed his cloak, and then went into the closet and lifted up the jar, wrapped in Eren's cloak, before stepping up the stairs. He yanked his boots on as he walked past the one Eren affectionately called Potato Girl, and ignored her muffled, "Heichou, where are you going?" When she asked if he needed a second rider, Levi shook his head.

He passed the dining hall where there was laughter and what passed for music anymore, the recruits of Eren's class there making merry. They did it every night since Eren had died, upon insistence of Armin, Reiner, and Hanji, who all claimed that 'Eren wouldn't want us just to sit here and be quiet and calm and sad.' They didn't understand Eren well, but they seemed to get that one part of the boy they'd lost so recently. He wouldn't have wished them to sit around and cry. And it seemed Levi was the only one who couldn't. He even heard Erwin in there, laughing at someone's antics. He didn't even pause by the door.

At the door to the big, spacious castle, he was met with Krista, looking up at the stars. She wore her green cloak, the Wings of Freedom fluttering in the breeze, and the sight made Levi's eyes burn. Eren had told him all about the cadets of the 104th Class, and he'd described Krista as a sweetheart, an angel who didn't deserve this life. She had stuck her neck out for Potato Girl, giving her food when the recruit trainer had demanded she run and skip certain meals, and given her heart to a man in the same corps who had lost his life. She had joined the Survey Corps for the memory of her lost lover.

Krista turned to look at him and noted the way he was dressed, and what he was holding, then gave him a sad smile, standing to meet him on the step he was on. She looked at him for a moment, then reached out to straighten his cravat before offering the same watery smile. She reached to pat Levi's hand, but then stopped, which made Levi happy. He didn't want to be touched by anyone but the boy he was craving, the one he missed so much.

"I know how you feel." She said softly, adjusting the collar of his jacket. "Not a day goes by that I don't miss Franz. I forgot how badly it hurt, having Eren around. He always painted the fallen as heroes, the strongest of them all that would give their lives to protect their family and friends. He always tried to hide me from the worst of it when he was around. He had a big heart."

Levi knew his eyes were watering again, but he didn't care if this sweet girl saw the tears. He wanted to relate for once with someone, especially now. Krista pulled her hands back. "Eren told me you were kind. He didn't tell me what his name was, but he told me you'd lost your lover in that attack on Wall Rose. How did you find him?" Levi asked.

Her eyes were watery, but she, like him, didn't fight the tears. "He had been torn in half by a Titan. We didn't see the act itself, so I don't know whether it was by teeth or by hands, but he was torn apart. The waist down was gone. I had tried to do CPR for the longest time, until Armin or Mikasa found me in the street. I don't recall which one of them it was, but I'm sure it was Armin, because he was too gentle to tell me that Franz was really dead." She answered. "What happened to him was awful, but what happened to Eren...I feel like that's worse for you, considering the fact that you had to see it happen, had to hold him while...I'm so sorry."

Levi shook his head. "Did you ever have nightmares of him after he was gone?" He found himself asking.

Krista turned her eyes down. "I can't say they were nightmares." She answered.

Levi understood. "They're beautiful dreams, things you wish you could still do with them. Things you miss being able to do with them." He told her.

Krista caught his eyes again, nodding. "And then you wake up, and feel them slipping away. Every night, you dream he's still here, like a ghost by your side, and they disappear back to the shadows. Everything you hold dear, just gone in a dream that he's still there." She said. The tears spilled down his eyes, and Krista wiped them with her green cloak. "Don't cry."

"There are things I never said to him. Things he said to me whenever I needed to hear them. I wasn't half the man he deserved." Levi explained to her, his voice shaking. "He would always tell me he loved me, and I never said those words to him."

Krista smiled at him, turning toward the stables. "Would you mind if I rode with you?" She asked. "I'd like to hear about the two of you. If you don't mind."

Levi held the jar wrapped in Eren's cloak closer to his side, but he nodded. He noted that she had her gear on, that she intended herself to return, but he knew she knew he didn't have his. Seeing Levi without his gear was always strange, but she didn't question it. When they were both mounted, they left without raising any alarms. They rode for an indeterminate amount of time before Levi thought of something he wanted others to know of when he was gone.

"The day Eren turned sixteen, he had given me something before I had even known it was his birthday." Levi told her, without even really thinking about it. "He was up with me in the morning, and he had been playing with that key he wore around his neck. Do you remember the one?"

Krista nodded. "He never took it off. Even in cadet training." She explained. "He had trouble with his gear at first, and it kept smacking him in the forehead. It left a clear mark in his forehead for a little while."

Levi could imagine the brat upside down in his gear, the key bumping his forehead and leaving it's shape embedded in his skin. It gave him a soft smile, and he looked at the jar in his right elbow, held against his body. "Eren waited till we were in the middle of cleaning before he came to me, saying he'd finished cleaning up his bedroom and the mess hall. We were alone, and we were sitting there quietly in the room, as I'd just finished cleaning it. He just held out his fist, and I was confused until he took mine and uncurled it from around the broom handle. He dropped the key in it, and asked me to hold onto it for him." Levi reached up with his other hand, and clenched the key through the fabric of his shirt. "At dinner, you all in his cadet class brought in some monstrosity that was supposed to be a cake, but because we didn't have certain ingredients, it was a bit floppy and overly sweet, and started singing happy birthday to him in this high, off key thing. I remembered taking the key and watched them sing, but he told you to shut up and walked out of the room. He had waited for me to say happy birthday, but I'd not even known. He told me happy birthday even on my birthday, when it's Christmas. He was always so considerate. I knew he was telling you not to sing because I would hear, but after he stepped out, and everyone else started making a fuss, I slipped out after him."

Krista smiled softly. "I noticed. You looked distressed, when you never look distressed."

"I went to go find him something to have. I wanted to give him back the key, but I knew he would take it the wrong way, so I pulled it out of my shirt so he could see I wore it and then found another length of cord and an old ring I used to wear until it became impractical. I took it out to him, and found him sitting in an old swing that was tied to a branch under a tree, just looking up at the sky. I sat beside him and held out my fist, like he'd done to me earlier, and he just shook his head. He said, 'Heichou, you don't have to give me something. They were just being stupid.' But I made him open his palm and take the damn ring, and his eyes filled with tears, and I thought he was upset, but then he pulled it off the cord and slipped it right onto the finger I'd longed to see it on. He was wearing it that day, but I doubt anyone saw it." Levi's own eyes filled with tears as he told Krista this.

Krista gave him a moment, then another soft smile. "I saw him with it the next day. He wore it every day, and I think I even saw him come out of the showers with it on once. I don't think he ever took it off." She said.

Levi shook his head. "He didn't. He always wore it, everyday after that. We burned him with it on his finger." His voice shook again, and Krista took the opportunity to speak up.

"He was always very firm on his beliefs, and I don't think he ever turned his back on anything he ever did, even with gifts like that. When I said he had trouble with his gear early on? That was the running joke in the cadet class for a while. Eren had made the statement when he saw a group of dropouts on the very first day that anyone without the talent and the guts should just go home. The very next day, we started with the 3-D gear, and he ended up on his head before the cables were drawn to full tension. Everyone else had very little trouble with it, but Eren struggled the whole time with it. We would go out and practice some maneuvers, and there would be Eren, his feet in the air, and his forehead brushing the dirt again, struggling to try to get upright." Krista told him.

Levi chuckled a little. "That sounds like the brat." He said.

She smiled. "But he managed to get upright on the last day with the gear, and he was so happy. The last day, and he'd finally managed to hold himself upright, if shakily at that. But just when he was about to celebrate, he went face first again. He was so heartbroken, thinking he didn't have what it took to be a Scout. Didn't have what it took to be a soldier, one of the best of the best. He thought he was going to be forced back into the field on his own, but then the instructor told Thomas, Wagner, to trade belts with Eren. We were all so confused until they pulled him upright and put him in the new belt. He went upright and stayed that way, stood there perfectly. He was so steady and so excited that it was shocking, and the instructor told us all that Eren was ten times better than all of us." Krista said.

Levi didn't get it. His brows knit together in confusion and he wiped his eyes on his jacket sleeve. "Why?" He asked.

Krista turned her eyes to him. "Because he'd managed to get upright and stay that way for a little while on a broken belt. There's a piece at the small of the back in the belt that was broken and flipping Eren on his head time and time again because of how it was adjusted, and Eren had managed to use the broken equipment to get off of his head and into the air. He was always to tenacious." She answered.

Levi blinked, looking down once again on the green fabric wrapped around the jar. "He never told me that." He said.

Krista smiled. "Don't scold him for it now. He would probably be so embarassed to tell you that of all people. He idolized you. You were his goal in life to become just like. He saw you leaving one day before Wall Maria fell, and he used to tell us about it all the time, how he would join the Survey Corps and become one of the best there was, that he would annihilate every Titan there was." She said.

Levi couldn't help the smile that spread across his face when she said that. "He used to tell me that when the day came when every Titan was gone from this world, he and I would go live together on the shoreline of some huge ocean, and just watch the waves roll in. He said we would live by the saltwater and never want for anything. He made it sound like he wanted to take care of me, even though he was half my age. This was after a particularly rough mission you weren't there for. Your squad was elsewhere, and we were moving ahead of you. We almost lost several good men, and lost a few anyway. Good men, men that we both had grown close to. We went back to the castle, both in need of massive comfort, and he came to find me drinking in my quarters. We both made love to each other for hours, and when we were just laying there in the early hours of the morning watching the sun rise, he told me that one day he would destroy all the Titans for me, so I would never lose another friend, another childhood companion, another good soldier." He choked up for a moment, remembering that beautiful morning and the beautiful boy that had been in his arms. "He described pictures he'd seen of this ocean of his, and said that one day we would live in a castle like the one we use as headquarters, but for just the two of us, right on the beach, and it would be clean, and peaceful, and that I could have a garden for tea ingredients, and he would be able to finally put his parents souls to rest." Levi's tears returned. "He never did get to see that dream become a reality. He fought so hard, but I lost another wonderful soldier, another man I'd live the rest of my life wishing he was still here. In my arms, but whole and well."

Krista's hands curled around the reins. "I never thought this would be how he would go. I thought he would go down in the fury of battle, from hundred's of Titans crushing down on him, all to protect you, or Mikasa or Armin. By one of us, though... I know it was an accident, that it wasn't her fault, but I would understand it if you never forgave her." She said.

Levi remembered the moment that blade had gone through Eren. He'd seen it in the boy's eyes before he'd seen the blade cut him through. They'd just finished putting a few Titan's down, and Eren had been smiling, thrilled with the rush of another win, coming to drop at Levi's feet, and Hanji had extended her hand just a second in the wrong place in celebration. It was like the blood hadn't even known he was cut until Eren was on the ground, and then his smile was dropping, and Eren was slumping against Levi's chest, his body limp, lifeless. Dead.

Krista pulled his mind from those images. "He'd been down a Titan's gullet once before. I didn't think anything could kill him after that, but I guess I was wrong." She said.

"How did you know about that? No one knew about the Female Titan swallowing Eren. No one could. Everyone who had been there was killed." Levi said.

Krista made a strange noise. "I didn't. I didn't know Annie had swallowed him. I was talking about the attack on Wall Rose. We were sent out to fight two or three days before we were going to pick our jobs, our cadet emblems still on our uniform and everything, but we went willingly. Mikasa was at the back, and Eren was all the way up with vanguard with Armin, Thomas Wagner, and a few other guys. They went out to fight, and came face to face with an abnormal Titan. It jumped up and bit Eren's left leg off, sending him slamming into the nearest rooftop, and the other Titans decimated his entire squad, save for Armin. Armin told us later what had happened. He said it was like he was frozen, paralyzed by fear, and another Titan walked right up to him, lifted him up and dropped him into it's mouth, right down into it's throat. But Eren jumped up to save him, jumping into the Titan's mouth and pulling him out, throwing him back at the rooftop he'd just been laying on. Eren reached out, and Armin went to pull him back out, but the Titan came down on his arm, and swallowed all of him but those parts that were in other Titans or on the floor. That was the first time he'd transformed, too. When he learned of his abilities. He didn't know until after Mikasa had used him to drop straight into the depot where everyone else was holed up." She said. "He did a lot of crazy things to protect his friends."

Levi clutched that jar closer, holding it to his chest with both arms now, trusting his horse to follow Krista's wherever it went. "I never knew." He said.

"It's not shocking. Even he didn't know. He probably doesn't remember. Armin barely remembers, he was so scared. He doesn't remember sealing the hole in Wall Rose either." Krista said. She realized her mistake and corrected herself. "He didn't remember anyway."

Levi let that sink in for a while, and then he closed his eyes and took a deep breath, inhaling the smell of Eren's body from the cloak, the warm, alive smell it had held of just sunlight, and earth, and sweat. He had smelled so wonderful in life. "Do you remember, just before we gave him a proper send off, when I approached the pyre? Erwin tried to stop me, but I shook him off, and Hanji started crying harder." Levi asked, trying to remind her.

Krista thought, then nodded. "You went up, knelt beside it, and then draped your cloak over his face. That was when Hanji ran to you and hugged you and started crying more." She said.

Levi nodded. "I forgave her then for taking my husband from me." He said. Krista's eyes went wide. "What I did was a right reserved only for the spouses of dead soldiers. I sent him off with a piece of me, a symbolic promise that we would always be together. The day I gave Eren that ring, we rode into town when it was dark. We didn't wear our uniforms, but we brought them with us, and I found a court clerk that would sign the proper forms. We didn't have a big ceremony, just held our vows right there in the same court where I kicked one of his teeth out with the clerk as the witness, and were married there. He cried the whole time, and I felt like an ass, but seeing him shedding tears while saying those words...I'd give anything to tell him how much it meant to me now, because I never did before. No one knew, not until that day, not until I took off my cloak. Erwin made the move to stop me because he didn't understand what I had done, and Hanji sobbed harder because she realized the gravity of why I wouldn't even look at her. She understood then what she took from me, and she came and begged my forgiveness. I saw Eren's bright green eyes behind my eyelids then, could hear his voice whispering to me, begging me to tell her I forgave her, and I couldn't be angry at her. Not when Eren would be kicking me in the seat of my pants for hating her for an accident, even one that robbed him of his life, of his ambitions. I know he would hate me now for even trying to do what I am now. He would want me in there with your cadet class and Erwin and Hanji, trading stories like I am with you and laughing at hearing about his antics as a cadet, and being the strong man he thought I was. But I can't." Levi tried breathing through his teeth to stop the everflowing tears for a little while, but they only flowed faster. He needed Eren's arms around him, to tell him it would all be alright, that he could go on for just one more day. He just couldn't do it anymore.

Krista nodded, seeming to understand what he meant. "I felt that way for a long time about Franz. I was able to hold on because I had a separateness that you don't have, Heichou. My love was killed by the enemy. Yours was killed by a close friend. I still had the safety net of those friends I had made, but you don't. You had that taken from you on the very first day without him. The very first second of your life without the man you truly loved more than anything." She told him.

He turned to look at her as they approached a near abandoned section of Wall Rose. "How did you become so wise in so short a time? You're so young. You shouldn't know the things you've had to face. None of this cadet class should." He answered.

Krista smiled, looking down at her horse before looking back up at Levi. "Very simply, Eren Jaeger. Eren taught us the things, gave us the things we needed. Eren was sweet to those who deserved it, blunt with those who needed it, and very defensive of those he loved and cared for. I have never seen him go to bat for anyone harder than he did for you though. Eren didn't allow himself to be reckless. Eren was always careful, but when he saw you in danger, Eren risked everything to keep you safe. You never noticed it because he was fast, but he was always there to watch your back." Krista answered, smiling at him with that sunny, chipper face.

The sun was rising over the wall, and the sky was bleeding shades of pinks and oranges, blue slowly fading into it. They managed to reach the wall before the first rounds of guards started their rounds for the day, and dismounted there. Krista looked up the wall. "Time to go up, huh?" She asked.

Levi looked up the stone Eren hated so much, nodding. "He hated these walls. His only goal was to get outside of them. I think it's only right that I go to meet him out there." He answered her.

She nodded, shifting behind him and engaging the gear, sending it up the wall as far as it would go before sending them both rocketing up the thing, rushing up to meet the top of it in one swing which was quite a feat, even considering the fact that they were both relatively small people. Levi clutched the wrapped jar tightly in both arms, then when they both went rocketing over the top, she swung them both around and caught the top of the wall. Going down the other side was a little slower going, but when their feet touched down, Levi stepped back and away from her, giving her clear room to go back up.

"Thank you Krista. I appreciate your company." He said.

She smiled, nodding at him. "I'm so sorry you had to go through what you did, Heishichou, but for what it's worth, you will always be Humanity's Strongest, no matter what you choose to do from here until you see Eren again. Even Humanity's Strongest should never have to bury their lover." She said.

He looked to the jar again, then back up at her. "Levi. Just Levi. Someone so young should never have to see the things you did, but you are strong. You have my respect, Krista." He said, nodding to her. "Stay kind, and help Hanji for me. She will think this is her fault as well, but there's nothing I can do for it now."

She smiled, reaching to her belt to unhook it from her waist, dropping the maneuver gear to the ground under her. "Erwin will be able to help Ms. Hanji just fine, Levi. I think it's about time I go find Franz wherever he is. Maybe we'll find our own ocean." She said, backing away and walking off into the woods. "Goodbye Levi."

Levi realized what she was doing, but he didn't stop her. He knew the heartbreak she was feeling, and without Eren holding her there as her safety net anymore, she had nothing left to hold on to. He let her go. "Goodbye, Krista. It was an honor to have spent my last hours with you." He said, turning he opposite direction.

Levi walked for however long, going completely unimpeded by anything. He knew by now that the Survey Corps was probably awake, probably looking for him and the lost Krista, but they would never reach him in time. They wouldn't even be on his trail until it was far, far too late for both of them. And the thought of them never finding his body, it didn't even worry him. Not anymore. He walked for a while longer before finally stopping to rest, to just fall asleep. The slow Titan meandering toward him in the distance didn't even faze him as he laid down to sleep.

He laid Eren's ashes beside him, curling close so he could press his face into the soft fabric one more time and smell his lover, be close to him again. He could feel the ground shaking around him as he closed his eyes and drifted away. He never felt a thing past the closing of his eyelids, the fading of his consciousness.

Then he heard the most beautiful sound. It was a rushing, crashing sound, soft and rhythmic. Closer, then out, and closer, then out, and there was a soft sound in his ears of someone's approaching feet in sand. He lay there, feeling warm sun on his face, and at peace, for the first time in a long time since he'd suffered his greatest lost. And suddenly, the crashing sound was eclipsed by a sound he'd resigned himself never to hear again.

"Your boots will get wet soon if you don't get up. And your clothes are going to have sand all over them."

Levi opened his eyes and they crashed straight into a wild expanse of forest green, a color he'd sworn he would never see again. Eren stood there, his messy brown hair dangling in his eyes, that beautiful, wonderful smile on his face, his feet bare in the sand by Levi's head and his torso bare, but for the green cloak, with the Wings of Freedom on them spread wide across his back. The cloak was frayed at the edges, and Levi recognized it as his own. Eren knelt down beside him far enough for Levi to be able to reach him, and he let his arms catch Eren and roll him to the sand beside him, pressing his lips firmly into the beautiful young man's own soft mouth. Warm water rushed up against them, drenching their clothes and making their mouths taste of salt, but when Levi pulled back, he had but one response.

"I love you, Eren. Tell me you knew that. Tell me you knew even when you fell into my arms dead that you were loved." Levi begged.

Eren smiled, brushing back the wet strands of hair that stuck to Levi's forehead. "Of course I knew, Heichou. I knew you loved me, even without the words. How couldn't I? I felt it in every touch, every kiss, every soft brush on my skin of your clothes and hair and skin. I'm only sorry I caused you so much pain." He said, watching Levi's eyes tear up.

"Say my name. Tell me you love me." Levi demanded, tears dripping from his eyes.

"Levi. Levi I love you so much." He promised.

"Say it again." Levi buried his face in the crook of Eren's neck, even as the next gentle wave rolled in. "Say it please. I've missed it so much."

There was that sweet laugh I was so desperate to hear again. "I love you Levi Ackerman. I love you." He replied. "Did you think you would never see me again?"

Levi nodded, sobbing into Eren's chest. "You died in my arms, and I had to cover your face on your pyre. You told me to forgive Hanji and I couldn't stop myself from doing it. I wanted to hate her, but she would never have done that on purpose. She didn't mean to, and you wouldn't want me to hate her for an accident." He said.

Eren's arms closed around him. "I love you Levi. I'm here. I never left. I'm still right here." He said.

Levi nodded, holding him tight. "You're still here." He sobbed. "You're still here."


End file.
